How do you get past fear? I’m not talking about the “oh no I don’t want to get eaten by a shark and die” kind but rather when something in your life has hurt you and you’re not sure how to heal the scar. Due to certain events in my life, abandonment is something that cripples me in my daily life. There’s just a constant fear that people don’t actually like me or that I’m going to unintentionally hurt someone I love and drive them away. Often I think this causes me to leave friendships that I shouldn’t necessarily just because I’m scared that if I don’t leave they will. I also think the constant paranoia effects my ability to make decisions and ultimately causes me to do things that are damaging to all my relationships.
The real question is how do I know if what I’m feeling is paranoia or whether it’s actually a problem that I should walk away from?
To the person I love, I am sorry. Sorry that you have to endure the crazy that is my mind, my mood swings and my moments of weakness where all I can see is the world against me with no rational way out. I am also upset, upset that you don’t do more. Is there a reason you don’t make me feel loved? Don’t comfort me when I’m in need? Aren’t the shoulder that I need to cry on sometimes.
I feel like a burden and that sometimes makes me feel like I can’t reach out. I know you’re there and I know that you love me… at least I think you do? I wish you were here to wipe up my tears and stroke my hair, to tell me that everything is going to be okay. But you’re not. You’re somewhere else, doing your own thing with your newfound adulthood, cusping on the edge of the rest of your life and I respect that. I want to be able to be there for you and to help support you. All I can think about though is that I don’t think that I’m going to be around to see that.
I hate that my sickness makes me this way.
I’m so scared of being on my own. Which is funny because that’s what I’ve been for most of my life. My childhood was just empty homes and parents that didn’t want to be there. You’d think I would be used to the solitude by now. It leaves a certain hollowness in my chest. A craving to fill the hole. An endless obsession with finding something or someone to patch it up and make me feel welcomed and loved. I know there are so many people that are out there that do care about me and love me and I do appreciate them immensely but I think what I’ve been searching for is someone to take the place that my parents left.
Not to say that I’ve been alone my whole life. There have been people that have drifted in and out. That loneliness disappearing as they came in but increasing tenfold when they left. I need someone to be my home. That place that I can go so that the fear melts away. For their arms to wrap around me and not make every muscle in my body tell me that I need to run but instead make me feel safe, untouchable. As if so long as I’m with them, nothing can hurt me.
So how do I get past the fear that my love is a burden that will damage the people I care about? How do I get past the fear that a simple touch will turn into a hit? How do I get past the fear the person I love with everything that I possibly have doesn’t love me back anymore?
How do I get past my deep dark fear, that everyone I ever love will leave me one way or the other?